Things that are okay for you to know.

More pictures of the happy couple, in the spirit of Valentine's Day...

2007-02-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't really post anything else until I post this first...

2007-02-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'M ENGAGED!!!

That's right - I have gone and gotten myself engaged. Pictures? Yes...

My pretty, pretty ring... it is my Grandmother's ring, and it is exactly how it was when she wore it - I didn't even need to have it sized! I'm getting used to wearing it now - although it's still slightly forced to wear it all the time - like when I wash my hands, or put on makeup. But, I will eventually become completely used to it... or at least that's what they tell me. :)

Now for some pictures...

2007-01-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

So, the story goes: I was given a new camera by my parents for Christmas, and it's very posh. It took me a while to adjust to the habit of actually taking pictures, or bringing my camera with me to do so.

So... I'm getting better. And, Josiah also made the camera software work for me... so now I can share! Yay!

Like I said, I split up the picutres between the two blogs... I thought that I would start this one off with San Francisco pictures from Christmas.

Thanks for the camera Mom and Dad!!

Here is Mom, at "Plouf" (a restaurant downtown San Fran.)

Here is my Dad, close to the end of the trip... that right there is a Cream Cheese Poundcake... yuuuummmm!!!

Back at "Plouf" - but this time it's Josiah! That in front of him is a big bowl of mussels... it is the Plouf specialty. They are delicious.

Aaaaannnnddd... now together at Plouf!

The Christmas Tree... I took it up close because I was messing with my new camera skills. What do you think? I thought it was nice. And, by the way... my Mom's tree always looks amazing.

She will probably despise this picture... but, this is my Mom watching some Tivo (probably.) But, I like the picture. To me, it just looks like my Mom.

Now it seems that Mom has a little Tivo friend... Josiah jumping in on the fun.

The TITANIC!!! Well, a replica, anyway. AND... an amazing exhibit that you don't see in this picture. Very cool - lots of artifacts recovered, and a big block of ice so that you could get a feeling for how cold the water was, and they had rooms and hallways made up to look exactly like the real ship. In fact, they even did accurate sounds depending upon where you were. For example: if you were in the "3rd class" bunk, you heard the whirring of the power lines and plumbing above the beds that would have been constant on the actual boat. Very cool exhibit. And, it is coming to Denver as well... for all of you history geeks out there! I really liked it... but I must of come on the wrong day because I didn't see a single picutre or anything of Kate Winslett or Leonardo.... WTF?

These are my tired feet... my back was very difficult the time that I was there. Those poor feet! (Don't worry... they were already shopping earlier in the day before they were too tired.)

And then there was two! Two tired little feet! But.. aaawww... look - even our shoes are in love!

OK - there are the San Fran Christmas pictures... now... work your way over to the other blog for some more FUN tastic photos from the last few weeks in Denver!

Picture time! But you gotta use BOTH blogs!

2007-01-19T04:45:00.000-07:00

Just to force you towards my new blog (so that you can add it to your "favorites) - I am splitting up the picutres into two blogs.

Heh, nanner, nanner. To see the other picutures - look in the "links" section of this blog (or the most previous post.)

Pictures!

ADD MY NEW BLOG TO YOUR "FAVORITES!" BOTH ARE UP AND GOING!

2007-01-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog, in addition to this one... I have the link under my "links section."

Or - you can get there by clicking here.

So much going on.... where to start?????

2007-01-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Well... I guess I'll just start with....

1) Okay, so we had this blizzard... here is a picture that I found of Denver International Airport - it is a side-by-side of "normal" vs. "blizzard" - it is looking down from the sky...

Pretty cool, yes? Okay, moving on - lots of stuff to cover here...

2) Then, we finally made it to California for Christmas! (I don't have picutres yet, unfortunately... but they will be forthcoming. I got a new camera for Christmas - I just haven't actually moved them from the camera to the computer yet. Sorry!) But, I found this really weird Christmas card from 1895... actually, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen...

HUH? Yeah - Merry Christmas?
Whatever.

So, while we were in California - James Brown died... and Michael Jackson went to his funeral... and made for some creepy photos that took place at such a sad event...

Now see... if this was say, a family member, or, you know... just somebody
not wearing sunglasses... it wouldn't strike me as creepy. He just kind of makes it that way.

Okay... so, it's obvious here that I am not the only one thinking these things. No, no... that is a look that says, "That bitch is cra-zy..."

3) Oh, and then... I found this news statement come up....

"The FDA has released a report that deems meat and dairy from cloned cows safe for human consumption. The agency is soliciting your comments over the next 90 days, and will make a final decisoin on the matter shortly thereafter."

I don't know, say what you want... it just don't seem right. Laaawd... it does not seem right.

4) Then, I came across some much more uplifting news...

Click HERE to read about the man in this picture, and the really, really, really nice thing that he did. (Oh - and I'm not being sarcastic here.)

5) Vacation was over, and we went home.

6) I have been insanely busy, and trying to stay rested... I haven't even downloaded my new Christmas pictures yet! I mean... my god!

7) I created a "sister" blog to this one... after one of Josiah's blog posts got a scathing comment, I decided that I would keep this one for all the same stuff I always put on here. But then, I would have one that was just a little bit "grittier." Not THAT much grittier... but, let's just say this. I wanted a venue to post a really funny video that went hand-in-hand with Josiah's "Dick in a box" video-post. So... if you are not offended by Saturday Night Live, or by slightly cheeky behavior... then you would like it. AND - just for your information... my Mother will enjoy BOTH blogs.... thank you very much!

So - I'm putting the link to it with my other links... don't forget to check it out. I already have tons of material ready for it... I just have to get it up. But, I won't neglect this one either. Both will live on! Just think of it as TWICE the entertainment (to those of you who think my sense of humor is both cheeky AND fun AND enjoyable.) AND - there will be no loss of entertainment to those that would rather stick with the mild version of this sassy lady. Any way you like it, people. Now that's manners. :)

Mania-Schmania...

2006-12-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

Although I do not recall the exact age, I do remember having a distinct moment when I uttered the words, "I am so stressed out..." - and for the first time, I truly understood what those words really meant. No longer was it just a catch phrase, or an attempt to identify with more mature life experiences and emotions - from that point forward, it had meaning. Of course, this also gave way to me "experiencing" other phrases like "fried" or "hanging on by a limb." The next step after that was when I truly came full-circle; I became the link between my own childhood, and adulthood... when I let myself reach the point of such exhaustion, that I immediately understood the phenomenon of the tired kid crying for no reason - they are so exhausted that they literally don't know what else to do but just start crying like a baby!

As enlightening as these fun little experiences were... I hit a new distinct moment today.

It went something like this: I am just FRIED by the end of the day... mentally, I have nothing left. I haven't spoken to anybody all day, because I have been so busy just frying myself into oblivion via work, and additionally, via an excessive amount of brain-frying communication with my boss. So, I decide I just want to complain. I just want to bitch, and moan, and vent - and I want someone to just listen to it without interjecting stupid advice, or... well, I just wanted to vent okay? So, I go through the list of people I could call, and it occurs to me that I have no good options available. Why? Because EVERYBODY is fried... so boo hoo! But I didn't give up hope yet... I called my parents thinking, "they are my parents - they will listen to me." Well, as it turns out, my parents are fried too! What?!?

Yes, that is correct. EVERYBODY is fried, stressed, feeling bad, feeling sick, having a crisis, etc, etc, etc...
You know - I can remember a time when my world seemed like the biggest frying-pan of all in comparison with the people I knew. Well, as it turns out... EVERYBODY GREW UP! And, as a result, it is not even fun to mindlessly vent anymore because considering the current situation of EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE - it seems that venting has more in common with gloating now a days.

I mean, think about it... you are stressed, tired, sick, horrible in general - and someone starts venting to you. Somehow, it has become less about being a "shoulder to lean on" by listening to the venting. NOW... the reaction has changed to something like "Are you serious? THAT is what you are whining about? You think your problems are so great? OOOOoooohh.... you're SO important with your BIG problems!"

See what I mean? Much more gloat than vent.

Of course, this theory is completely based on the fact that everyone is stressed, grouchy, and feels like crap. I suppose it would be appropriate to exclude those rays-of-sunshine that are out there running around listening to others vent.

A-ha! You know why these people (that I am excluding) exist as they do? Because they're getting paid to listen... it's called therapy!

Whatever - I know I'm grouchy right now... I won't argue that. However, my point is that the older you get, the more that you kind of just have to "shut up and deal with it." Some people might call that maturity. Well, I'm grouchy and tired... so I think it stinks! So... so, there!

Good night loves... happy sleeping!

Daddy's girl...

2006-12-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

My Dad is okay - he just called me on his own after his surgery. He has to spend the night... I wish that I was there.

If I was there, I would bring in "Stripes" and watch it with him until he fell asleep. (Which would probably be pretty fast, actually.) I love that movie becuase my Dad thinks it's funny, and because I have always thought that Harold Ramis looks exactly like my Dad when he was younger. Plus, they both have this kind of quiet, smart, dry sense of humor. In truth, I have always loved "Stripes" because of the similarities - and, I feel like I'm watching my Dad during his own stint in the army (minus the Bill Murray antics, of course.)

I saw a commercial when I was younger that posed the question, "At what age are you old enough to hold your father's hand again?" At the time, I was young enough that I didn't really know... And, although there may not be a standard answer to that question - I know now that if I was there, I would place my hand on top of his hand without so much as a thought.

I know he doesn't need me there... he has my Mom...

Maybe, though, I just wanted to be there.

Real people, real hard to find when they're strangers...

2006-12-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a blog for a couple of months now, that I absolutely love...

It belongs to a famous person, and I found out about it through a gossip site that mentioned it. On the blog, this person knew she had been "found out" - but she continued to write, regardless. I don't want to just give away her identity, because I don't ever want her to stop writing... but if you ever really want to know, I'll tell you "offline." :)

Anyway... here is her blog - the pseudo-anonymous Hollywood Farm-Girl.

She is way down-to-earth - and I look forward to updates constantly. I wish that her blog took comments so that I could tell her how great I think she is!

Still alive... though, just not blogging so much.

2006-12-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile... that is for certain. I have wanted to blog, to talk out loud through my more eloquent (than speaking) written words. But... for whatever reason, when I would take out my computer - I just couldn't make my fingers move through a complete sentence... let alone, an entire blog.

I think that so many things happened, that there was just no way to include them all. Plus, I'm much more into my written journal these days. Maybe my time has been too life changing - and it felt too private to share. Or, maybe... just too precious to share.

On the happier side of things - it is extremely close to Christmas vacation. I decorated my little studio apartment with Josie, and I made sure to take pictures. Again, I've been meaning to post them... but everything just keeps getting in the way. Things that are much too serious kept creeping up, and I just didn't feel like sharing my little pictures of joy right away. But, now I would love to share them - because it is close enough to the holiday that I'm ready to concentrate on that. I'll keep my written book for the things that carry worry, etc... but I will share these pictures with you - because they make me feel comfortable, and happy.

Okay, then... first of all, I bought lights to string up wherever I could in this tiny little place. Here is the first of the studio-sized deco pictures:

Then, I had to get a miniature tree... and when I saw this tree, I knew that it was the one:

Now, the important thing to notice about this tree, is that it is a "Barbie" tree; it is pink and sparkly, and all of the ornaments have pictures of Barbie... check it out:

It is sooooooo Barbie, in fact, that when we put it its vase - we also had to hang a descriptive sign:

To translate for the blurry picture - "A Christmas tree to promote unreasonable standards of beauty and body-shape for girls. Love, Barbie XXOO"

It should also be noted, that to match the Barbie glamour, we had to surround the bottom of the tree with a feather boa. Then, as an ode to Smidgen, we had to put a little Santa-chihuahua underneath it as well.

And, of course, we had to have miniature stockings... they match the miniature budgets that we have prepared for Christmas. :) We've got one for Josie, and for myself:

And - because she can't have anything so plain... this one is Smidgen's:

We also, in the spirit of 5-year-olds across the country, put up a "Countdown Calendar" for us to mark off. However, unlike the 5-year-olds... we're just counting down to vacation... not Christmas, itself. Plus, it made good use of the last month left on my Roller Derby calendar:

Ooooooh, I can't wait until vacation time.. DECEMBER 22ND! I must also point out that during this Christmas decorating gala that we had... there was big-time nerdiness going on. Yep... we totally even listened to Christmas music while we decorated.

Of course, once the place was decorated to the best of my budget... we had to act like idiots for a little while in front of the camera. Why? Well... I don't know why... but I do know that it was fun. :)

So... that's all for the deco - and the fun to be had during the deco! And, I'm glad that I finally took the time to post the pictures. There is just so much happening right now - and these pictures make me smile.

Maybe when I come out of the intense things that are happening behind the scenes, I can blog about them. But, I don't know... it just seemed more appropriate to post happy pictures, and smiling faces... because that is what makes me so grateful to survive all of the big, the small, the intense, the sad, the time passing by... so, in a way - this post was just necessary, now, wasn't it?

I look happy in these pictures... we both do. To be able to capture a moment that like - it is the closest thing to being able to hang onto the moment, even once its passed. Genuine grins are never found in portraits... they are only found in candids, in passing.

I love the people around me, so much.

New things to me...

2006-11-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

I finally got my new phone today... I have joined the pink-razr-phone ranks. I am also feeling especially spiffy because I have a Blue Tooth earpiece - and I love it. Even though, I have indefinitely become one of those crazy people that I see walking down the street - appearing to talk to themselves.

But whatever.

At least it's pink.

ALSO....

Started a new knitting project for a friend that has not-so-subtly demaded that he get a scarf, compliments of my knitting efforts.
No problem - I have started it. A very cool, dark forest, green wool - and it makes a spectacular project!

(For the knitting nerds out there - I am doing alternating blocks throughout the scarf; 13 rows knit, then 13 rows stockinette, and so on..)

Here's my little preview...

Oh me, oh my...

2006-11-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm aching tonight - had to cut the evening short...
had to head home even though home came to meet me.

I don't like having to hold back,
but transparency feeds instability feeds questions...

I just hurt,
that's all.

There is not much more than that.

Obvious investment in torture policies...

2006-11-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

This picture alone is torture.

Fire your political consultants, hire Britney Spears' people - I am still in shock at how quickly they turned her image arouned. Plus - they would already be used to working with someone with your, uh, "skill level..."

I feel gross... I guess that these are supposed to make me feel better?

2006-11-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well, even though I feel like the most disgusting person alive, today... I will post these little photos from the fashion show that I was in.

AND - I don't necessarily think that these are the best photos I've ever seen... but it's all in the name of fun, huh?

The main thing that I don't like about it? The way that they did the makeup on my eyebrow makes it look like I have a birthmark or something on my eyebrow.

But at least, well... I had some decent cleavage?

Plus - they were going for "greaser" - and I think that I look more like a Geisha. But that's just me. Whatever... we'll just chalk it up to a case of playing dress up

Moving slowly, bathing, growing...

2006-11-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

I can feel the skin
on top of the skin
weight on weight
upon itself

One cookie
Two cookie
Three cookie
Four?

What once was cramps
was bloat
was that time
of the month

Not a drop to shed
following...
and I'm plump
and round

Smooth maybe to some
but not when you
are used to only
the bones

Used to hips so sharp
they just wait
to puncture that
fragile frame

Not so fragile
Not so sharp
Not so soft
(as in beautiful)

Just solid weight
holding down
the best of me
what used to be

I only grow
and grow
and grow
and grow...

For whatever reason... I am not sleepy.

2006-11-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

I do not know, however - what that reason is.

I have been so exhausted that I can barely stand for the last two days... nothing has changed... and yet, I'm awake at 12:20. But, it could always be worse. It could be 1:20... and, I'm anticipating that I will be asleep by that time.

My body is such a mess...

I finally have results back from my MRI - a "bulging disc" in my lower back. So, for the first time, I actually have visual evidence of my pain. It's nice to have that, I suppose - but, I don't think that it means treatment will be any more precise or effective. I have to get a type of epidural focused on that area - they are doing that on Thursday. There is no telling if, or how long, the releif will last. But, it's worth a try. That along with therapy is my only choice, unless I go with surgery or some new procedure that isn't covered my my insurance. (Slightly comforting is that it is not covered by many insurance providers... so, I'm not the only one.)

I don't know when everything will get straightened out, or at least get to a point where the pain is manageable. Because right now... it isn't. This is noooo way to live.

Coming to that part of the month when I feel like an exorcism is necessary - that is not helping me right now either. Sometimes, I literally think that someone in my condition should not be mingling with normal people. People say that it gets better with age? I say it doesn't. I don't reember being this nuts when I was in my teens. But then again, maybe I just didn't know well enough to know.

Aaaah... it's just the way it is. I just have to deal with the fact that I have a headache, I'm itchy, it's hot, I'm tired, I'm irritable, I'm awake, I'm in pain... shall I go on?

Speaking of that... I just had to get up to open a window. It is warm in here! I really hate this time of year (along with the change from winter to summer) - it is never the right tempature in my apartment. Within a day, or even a half a day, it could go from freezing snow, to 60 degrees... the thermastat just can't keep up.

I made brownies tonight - they were good. I think it's the first time I've baked in this apartment. (Cinnamon Rolls in a tube don't count, I don't think.)

Hmmmm... I've been thinking.. I also do not like my new haircut. I'm back to short hair - and I'm not happy about it. I don't think it's the short hair that is the problem... I just really don't like the shape of it, and I feel like I wasted all of the growth on a haircut I don't even like at all. So now, I have to grow it out again to like it? I just did that! I'm going to call tomorrow and make an appointment - but I'm not getting it done until I feel like less of a psycho. I won't be happy with a damn thing right now. I have to accept it: it doesn't matter what I actually look like... to me, I look disgusting!

So - you know... nothing I can do about that.

My boss, and his boss, are coming back tomorrow instead of waiting until later in the week. (To my dismay - I cannot get anything done when he is here.) So, I guess I'll try to sleep so that I am awake tomorrow... even though I think that is impossible to accomplish right now - no matter how much sleep I actually get.

Until then - I am like a comic book superhero... superpowers making me "Super Bitch" - having to decide whether or not my powers will be used for good or evil.

Oooooooh... I watched a documentary on Crossword Puzzles, and the people that do them. It just made me want to start doing them again. So - I think my cranky self will do some of those tomorrow.

Until later... let's see if the big bitch can use her powers for good!

I guess that's just what we do.

2006-11-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

I walked into my boss' office today, and he said, "What is wrong?"

I told him that nothing was wrong - I was fine. I said that I was just trying to keep everyone else happy.

And he said, "Well, that's what we do."

And I thought... "Yep."

So now, after all this time - I am on the other side of the cartoon.

The feeling that things will always stay the same... and the occasional relief that they won't.

2006-11-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

I've been playing around on two sites today - bighappyfunhouse and Look At Me. I just can't leave them alone!

The premise is basically the same for both sites: "found" pictures from all over the world. The pictures in Look At Me are all pictures that follow the "say cheese" format, generally. The pictures on bighappyfunhouse add more "candids" - along with notes from the site's author. He brings the element of nostalgia to images of places you've never visited, or of memories you never lived. My favorite was the story that was paired with this picture... The memory that he associated with this picture - of people he had never actually known - was this:

"When I was a kid

Every adult woman in my family smoked

Constantly

They always had a cig in their fingers

And they became really good

At doing all the basic things in life

With that lit cigarette

Waving around in the air like a

Magicians wand

Cooking

Laundry

Almost anything

With that cigarette

Between her fingers
One Thanksgiving

I watched my aunt

Smack her kid upside the head with one hand

While balancing a plate of food and a cocktail in the other

The cigarette in her fingers

Never dropped an ashI

remember wondering

"How did she do that?"

Was there a special class you took

At community college?

Or was it just passed on in the genes

From one generation to the next?"

I love it.. and it reminded me of my own memories that I had of my Grandma that passed away when I was younger. She also was able to carry a cigarette in the most delicate way - although, I can't say that I particularly remember her cooking with one. Oh well.

So, the thing that I noticed while I was clicking through these pictures, is that it really is true that some thing will always stay the same - regardless of the generation. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the sites, and the timeless qualities that they represent...

1) The classic sense of beauty, and the images of beach beauties...

2) Romance... in its most simple form...

3) No matter how old you are - your Dad can always make you laugh hard enough to ruin a picture...

4) Bad girls have more fun, and bad girls stick together...

5) For men - bathroom humor still counts as humor...

6) Girls from New Jersey, no matter the era, are always going to be indentifiable as "Jersey girls"...

7) In much the same way - you can tell if entire families are from Texas...

8) Serial killers have existed in every era - so, logic tells us that serial killers have also been raised in every era...

9) Though the views towards it, and the acceptance of it, have certainly changed with each era - the message communicated in these pictures has never failed to just come on out and shout. In other words, images ecompassing "sassy, sassy, gay man" have always managed to withstand the test of time...

However, not everything is strong enough to be passed on from generation to generation. While there were hundreds of photos that stirred up personal nolstalgia, as well as a sense of connection with time, people, and memories that I had never experienced - there were also a batch of photos that gave me a sense of relief. What is evident in these photos is that the test of time was taken - and fortunately - it resulted in failure. But, it is the way of the world, through the passing of time - not everything can be as resilient as a Chanel suit, or classic red nail polish and lipstick. Fads are just simply doomed to live a short life... and, as demonstrated in these images... THANK GOD.

1) What can I possibly say? There is a lot going on here: thick polyester, and weak (or no) elastic, resulting in a skanky looking belt to keep this horrifying, package-hugging suit from falling down... an event so frightening that there would be no words strong enough to describe it. So, even though I am thankful for the belt doing its job - I am forever grateful that this look got permanently sidetracked at some point... well... in America at least.

2) Ah, what a time... a time when middle-aged married couples, living in the suburbs, with their leisure suits and sideburns - would gather at their neighbor's house, meet-up with 5 other couples, take a seat on the green shag carpet, take in the ambience of the lava lamp... and then... they did WHAT?! Call me prude if you want to - but understand that my feelings are due to one basic factor: I don't want to picture just ONE of those couples doing that. Why? I will never understand how the standards for grooming dipped so low. It wasn't that long ago - razor technology has not changed. And the man-perm? It accentuates the problem. Look - I'm not going to argue my point any further. It's just creepy. Okay?

SIDE NOTE: There are people from every generation that carry the fashions with them, even as the times change regardless, dating them by 30 to 40 years. In this case, at the very least, I wish that they would take the time to prepare for public interaction by updating their wardrobe... because the mental image is making everyone uncomfortable. Honestly.

3) Does anyone else remember Jim Jones? He was the guy that started his own cult, and then started a commune for the members of his cult in Africa? He was also the guy that convinced them to commit suicide by drinking poisonous Kool-Aid? Okay - well, I noticed this creepy resemblance between a startling number of regular guys in old photos, and Jim Jones. What do you think?
Okay... here is the real Jim Jones:

I know that the picture is small... but it was the best I could find on the internet. Now, here are the "found" pictures of people that seem to be sporting the Jim Jones look:

Maybe it's just the tan, and somewhat leathery face? Or the hair-do? Hmmmm... the hair-do seems very "Evangelical Minister" to me - is that it? Oh wait... I know. The styles were hideous - and Jim Jones was simply in fashion.

4) NEXT! Time to speed this up... Jim Jones and the middle-aged swingers have truly used-up my mental energy. So, we'll do an easy one. The next picture demonstrates something else that has come and gone - although... I don't quite know what it is.

Whatever IT is - no longer exsists, however.

5) This next picture proves my theory that it was the accessibility of color film developing, that led to the uncontrolable use of bright colors in mainstream fashion. I mean, when everyone was using black and white, the fashions looked classic, and elegant. But, the color film started its reign in the mainstream, and everyone went CRAZY with their polyester clothing concoctions. Due to the lack of digital technology, and the lack of advanced developing with existing film- the result was colors that were not as bright in pictures, as they were in real life. So... apparently... they turned it up a notch. The best example I could find was this:

Now, these people are old - so, the only other explanation is that they had started to go blind at the time that this picture was taken. Either way... these were unnatural colors to go with unnatural fabrics.

6) Last one. I saved the best for last. This is the last picture, representing the trends that I found most questionable, and that over time, I was happy to see them dead and gone.

Okay... so at first, this one isn't that big of a deal, I mean - it's just a serious, solemn picture of a nice family, and...

WHAT THE HELL?!? Why would you make a family portrait out of a picture that shows Grandma Betty dead in a coffin?! I mean... do you put that on a Christmas card? Did you already have the photographer scheduled for a family portrait, then made a location change on short notice?
The only explanation that I will buy for taking a picture like that in the first place, is that maybe the family members had to come from several different places, and this was a rare chance to get a group photo of the family. Now, even it that was the case... why would you include a person that is dead?!?

Oh...man. I can't take any more... maybe I should have ended with the ones that I liked instead of doing it the other way around.

Whatever. But - like I said at the beginning... the picture content was taken from 2 other websites. I have them linked up at the begining of the post - you should go check them out... just want to make sure that they are credited for the photos. I like their sites, and don't want them to be mad at me. :)

Mundane rhythm: learns the lessons, keeps the beat... celebration came upon us somehow!

2006-11-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

I just don't know which point I should start with...

Every day seems to run into the next too soon - and somehow I created these days: molded, drew, and acted through them. My shabby portraits became my blueprint, and without thinking it, or knowing it - I stepped into, and lived, days so poorly constructed. If I stop to examine even one minute of this destructive piece of time... I realize that I cannot remember or recall my own words.

I don't remember anything past the appointments, the pain medication, the hours worked in a day, the exhaustion that comes with flexing my mind-heart-feelings-teachings - cutting me in half, like a void through my torso. Give, give, give... but like a trinket in your pocket, hang on to your humility. The self-proclaimed martyr is not only false, but ugly as well – saturated by the scent of their ego, it drips off them like cheap and tacky perfume. Your give, give, give... it will speak for itself, using delicate and docile suggestions. I suppose I will continue to move on this road, until the end of it finally fnds me.

But enough about me - and the rhythm I got... because we have a reason to celebrate! The news will just not stop - it just keeps bringing me the good news! I knew it had to happen one day...

Number 1 - BRITNEY SPEARS finally dumped that pot-smoking greaseball that was destroying her. I never thought the day would come when I cared this much about Britney Spears... but THANK YOU BRITNEY. (Perez was pretty excited too... you can read up on his site to get all the goodies.)

Number 2 - DONALD RUMSFELD IS STEPPING DOWN! Is this Christmas? What angelic deed could have produced such a wonderful gift? Oh... what am I saying... this is a gift for EVERYONE. Peace-out punk! Good job on that whole war thing - I mean, even though you didn't actually finish it, or produce anything similar to a successful outcome... good job. Oh! And, I can't forget to give you kudos on finding a way to lie, and continually contradict yourself in every public forum... you know, there are a lot of minimum wage jobs that require a lie detector test to be passed for employment... how much did you get paid? Anyway - KU-DOS... way to avoid the system and yet be the system. Genius. Absolutely genius. Hmmm.. you know, you probably don't deserve it - but I'm having a good day so I'll give it to you anyway... Enjoy retirement bey-otch! Don't work too hard on hiring a ghost-writer when you "write" your book. And, for that matter - don't work to hard on not working at all!

Okay, go away now... douche.

"Help Me, Mary" - Liz Phair

2006-11-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

Help me, Mary, please
I've lost my home to thieves
They bully the stereo and drink
They leave suspicious stains in the sink

They make rude remarks about me
They wonder just how wild I would be
As they egg me on and keep me mad
They play me like a pit bull in a basement, and for that...

I lock my door at night
I keep my mouth shut tight
I practice all my moves
I memorize their stupid rules

I make myself their friend
I'll show them just how far I can bend
As they egg me on and keep me mad
They play me like a pit bull in a basement, and for that...

I'm asking you, Mary, please
Temper my hatred with peace
Weave my disgust into fame
And watch how fast they run to the flame

Look at this day in my life... BOO! Did it scare you?

2006-10-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today is officially Halloween, even though it seems like this holiday has been going on for over a week. However, it is probably for the best that this holiday comes to an end - I can't stop eating these stupid Halloween cookies from Whole Foods... and if they don't run out of stock soon, I will be dressing up as "tubby" next year for Halloween. But they are soooo gooood.

But, this week is not filled with all fun and games for me, as I realized this morning after my first Trigger Point injections in over a week. OOOOWWW! I feel like someone beat on the brat (and the brat is me.) But - enough about me... onto my next paragrah - where you can indulge in HSHE. (HSHE= Heavy Sarcasm for Humorous Effect)

Because most the sales people in our office are working in satellite markets, it is a pretty empty office most of time. We don't notice it very much, but today, the office in the suite across the hall from us went all out with costumes - it was awesome. So, then I was thinking (as I have many times*) - how come they get to have all the fun?
*Other thoughts include: Why do they get to come in late and just leave late whenever they want to? Why is their office painted really cool colors and look s totally modern? Why do they always look like they're having a lot more fun? Why didn't I go into arcitecture so that I could work at that office? AND FINALLY - Why is that girl looking smaller to me? Is that because I am getting bigger?

So anyway - I thought... we have costumes on, too! (Kind of.) Okay, well here are some examples:

This is me dressed as a "model employee that wins awards... "

And, this is Kelli - she is dressed as someone who votes democrat. (That's a picture of Bob Beauprez... he's the Republican Gubernatiorial Candidate... get it?) Well... I thought it was funny anyway.

Now, this is Jim... Jim is dressed up as "effective management." Oxymoron? Or just a... oh, I KILL me sometimes!

Okay, okay... so this is my BOSS.

Nothing? Crickets? Okay - that one was too easy. NEXT!

The last one is Diana - notice the time and attention to detail spent on this costume. She came to work today dressed as a receptionist. Oh, wait...

So, there you have it. My office is not sooooo boring. We do stuff! I mean, kids in school with their costumes have "recess" - so what? We have "spreadsheets" that we get to play with all day, and we get to "audit" really important stuff, and "expense" things (not the things that we actually have, but...) - you kids at school and people across the hall think you're better than me? Well, I've got news for you:

For the kids at school in their costumes - I get to drive, and eat cookies for breakfast - and when I go to the store, I can buy grape gum from the shelves at the grocery checkout line every, single, time I go there. And also - I could totally buy a puppy if I wanted to. Like right now - I could just go get one. And, I don't have to wait to go to McDonald's to buy a Happy Meal so that I can get a stupid toy. No - I mean, for one, I could totally go to McDonald's whenever I wanted to. BUT - second of all... I could just go the toy store and buy a bigger version. Yeah, so... enjoy your costume, there, Tinkerbell... and good luck talking your Mom into that grape gum.

And as for the people across the hall, the ones that equally think they're so great because of their costumes, and their office and stuff... well, I've got news for you too. You, ah - you... are probably better. So, you know.... whatever*.
*Whatever ... our company is BIGGER. And, if we wanted to? We could totally get our company to beat up yours***

*** Unless of course your company is hiring. Are you hiring?

Oh... it's all in good fun. I like my office. We're fun too*.
*... after we actually LEAVE the office, of course.

That is my fun post of the day. Breathe it in! Breathe in the fun*!
*I say that because I already know that a slightly slanted political posting is forthcoming. Sorry, guys - I try not to put much politics up because I dont want to drive anyone away. But, I promise... no matter WHAT party you are affiliated with... this is just something that HAS to be posted. In fact, it will be a fun post too... but it will be funny in that "so ridiculous you can't believe it's real" funny. I promise!

A week's worth of recap... Section Two: The good and fun stuff

2006-10-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

Okay... so now we're on to the fun and happy stuff.

I tried a new moisturizer this week, and I think that I may have a new favorite! It is a Dermalogica product, called "Intensive Moisture Balance." As most of you know, I am a moisturizer junkie. And, now that the weather is getting cold again, my dry skin is more noticeable than ever. Now, this moisturizer is definitely for dry skin, and for gals that like to "feel" their moisturizer when they put it on. (Moisturizer-people know what I mean.) But, it is the first time that I tried Dermalogica's products, and I am very impressed. In fact, I picked up their eye cream as well, and it may be the first product to permanently replace my favorite eye cream - the one that I have used since age 16. That... is pretty impressive. So - yay for new products!

Also - I believe I mentioned it in a previous post...but I finished Josiah's scarf. With the exception of the dog-cape and dog-scarf I knit... Josiah's scarf was the second full project that I finished. And, it looks great! No mistakes, and nice, tight stitching throghout the whole thing... plus, it's got a fancy border around the whole thing. Anyway - here are the pictures to prove it:

Below: This is the scarf close-up; you can see the border, and the Smidgen-hair that has already made its way into the scarf.

Below: Here is the scarf in action! He's been rockin' it out pretty frequently... it's quite nice!

Due to the aforementioned cold weather that is starting to become consistent as we move into the winter months, it becomes necessary for Smidgen to wear a jacket when she goes outside. Like I've said before, she is too tiny, and she doesn't have the body to keep herself warm in the winter. So... it's jacket time!!! My favorite part about the pictures below is the way that you can visibly see the dog getting more and more pissed off.

Picture one: Smidgen is irritated, but is putting up with it all

Picture Two: She has had enough!!!

So, that's all I've got for right now. I'm done with the weekend, and I have to prepare for a new week of work! I also have to prepare for a new week of punishment via injections, etc. to my back. I took a week off from appointments last week, and now it's time to resume. Boo.

A week's worth of recap...Section One: the "bummer" stuff

2006-10-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a week or so since I last posted. Actually, in between the last post and this post, there was a draft of a post... it just never got posted.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It was funny. But it was also ridiculously long and negative. Now, not that I don't think negative, long stories are funny.. I mean.. I, do. C'mon, I mean... what blog do you think you're reading? If you really want to read it - the whole thing was about the horrible fashion show experience that I had last weekend - you can comment... and I will deliver.

Here is the short version:

- I have black hair dye in my hair that keeps coming out of my hair every time I wash it (although you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at it.)

- I was called "old" by some kid that was also modeling in the show

- There was no "backstage" at the club that we were doing it at... so, we had to stand in the freezing cold for a total of an hour - just to walk on the warm stage twice.

- While standing in the freezing cold, I was getting irritated, but really didn't want to ruin anyone else's fun (these frat-kids were having fun.) So - I was just talking with people and I said that I still had reports due the next morning that I had to do that night, and this blonde little thing said, "It's okay... I mean, what is the worst that can happen. It's not like you won't graduate or something?" Yeeeeeah.

- I realized at the end of the night, after talking to my friends that came to see me, and who ranged in age from 21 to 32, and after taking into account that the girl with the "graduation" comment was 24 (only one year younger than I)... I realized that the problem was not that I was getting too old for this, but rather, the problem was that I was in Boulder. That's it.

- I will never, ever, ever, EVER do a show for this salon again. It was a horrible experience... and I cannot believe how thankless the whole thing was. I can't even go into all of the things that made it so thankless and rude. It was just horrendous - especially after doing shows for other salons that were so great. I mean, when you model for these things, it is volunteering - and you do it because it's fun, or you have a friend at the salon, or you get a free haircut or something - and that is rare. Usually, you just do it because it's fun. I will never do a show for this salon again - enough said.

So - after all of this, I was exhausted and made myself sick. Plus, the shivering in the cold made my back spasms and pain just unreal. And after that, I just didn't have the time, or the energy to post.

But I'm back. So now on with the normal stuff.... and an update on this weekend: I went out on Friday night after work and bought what I needed to complete my Halloween costume. I had spent the day at work talking with Kelli about what she was doing that night, and I got excited about going with her. I helped sew a few last-minute things together for her costume, and made some hair-do decisions about the blue wig that I gave her to use. Luckily, there is a cleaning crew that will sweep up all of the blue hair left on the floor... and Monday, it will be as if we didn't do any wig-cutting at all!) But, I digress...

So, I got excited about going out, and after work I got the things I needed for my own costume. I was going to dress as Bettie Page (vintage pin-up girl for those who aren't familiar.) So - I got my stockings with the seam up the back, and round-toe stilletto pumps - when I combined that with the wig and vintage lingerie... I had a great costume!

So, I went home, and just waited for Josiah to get home so that we could go out. To make this long story short, he drove around for hours trying to find his I.D. that he somehow lost, and in the end he wasn't able to find it. So... we couldn't go out. And, I didn't get to wear my costume. I was pretty bummed. Luckily, he found his I.D. the next day - but, all the same, it was a day too late. Usually I don't mind just hanging around on the weekend, but I had such a great costume all ready to go for the night! I guess I'll just hang on to it for next year...

This concludes the "bummer" wrap-up post... I will move on to the more positive sounding post...

Eloquent words for once, mixed in with boring conversation about the weather...

2006-10-21T03:49:00.001-06:00

It snowed again last night... we're barely to November and it has already snowed twice. Fall somehow slipped right through me; months on the calendar have become small flashes in time. Seasons keep getting smaller, years are feeling shorter... those years pass right through the months, that quickly carry the days, carry the hours...

"Time asks no questions, it goes on without you -

leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace.

The world keeps on spinning, can't stop it if you try to..."

-Des'ree

The transition into winter has begun, thus signalling the end to the calendar year. Winter, and its images are consistently correlated with "endings," through euphasmisms and metaphors - winter skies are gray even while the sun is up, and night comes as early as 4:30 in the afternoon. Trees are barren, flowers are in hiding, animals are in hibernation... the mood of winter, based on these images alone, is solemn and dark.

So what do we do, once mother nature has decided to stay locked in her quarters? Suddenly, our hands that were wide open, outstretched to feel every warm, August breeze - they contract and seek shelter, hiding in pockets or wool mittens. Now, the fingertips that brushed every clear, summer sky - we vigorously protect them from the outisde world armed with varying layers of polar fleece and knits.

Again, when you continue to look at it this way - the seasonal outlook is rather bleak...

So, fending of the bleak by playing up its charms, we fill our winters with holidays and decorations. We light burgandy "holiday spice" scented candles, we buy pinecone potpourri wrapped with gold cellophane and velvet green ribbon. We overflood our indoor environments with "warm" scents, "bright" but "deep" colors - and then we hide in our vanilla-spice scented, navy and burgandy decorated environments until it's time to come out again for spring... when pastel colors represent the times, and cucumber-citrus scents make their appearance.

I'm not completely sure why winter months trigger the use of such heavy scents. My personal theory is that when it is cold, the air outside smells like nothing. The air is cold and sharp, and even though it has no scent, you can feel each breath make its way from your nose all the way down to your lungs. The strong scents inside must make up for the lack of scent outside. The unique air of winter carries itself in complete opposition to the summer months. In the summer, air hangs over you like a veil: translucent, but yet tangible. For months, it hangs around you like velvet curtains... stifling, heavy, and thick. Even when the air is not completely saturated by humidity, there is still an acrid, pungent quality that consistantly waits in front, or hangs to the side of you.

Thankfully, the air of summer lifted, and winter is upon us... and, no matter what associations of mood winter brings - I have always enjoyed it. I grew up in the midwest, so, seeing snow is no miracle of weather. But even if I don't think it's a miracle.... I still contiue to marvel at the sight of it. And, there is a certain amount of comfort that comes when it starts floating its way towards the ground. Visions of snowy-cold weather consequently bring visions of fireplaces, cuddling up under a favorite blanket, wearing a favorite sweater, drinking chamomile tea, and watching bed movies... all while snow falls in the background. Visions turn to cravings - and what we crave is comfort; warmth fosters comfort - and suddenly, winter isn't so cold, now is it?

Okay... enough with the feathery talk. On to the pictures of the snow - for my mother who lives in California and no longer gets to see it.

A funny thing happened at the pharmacy...

2006-10-20T00:25:00.000-06:00

FAIR WARNING... this funny story does included the phrase "feminine products," along with several other related phrases and/or words that may cause boys with maturity levels within the 12 to 17 year-old*** range to feel uncomfortable.

***12-17 in "maturity levels" has absolutely no guarantees of matching actual ages... actual ages capable of falling within the maturity-age-range of 12 to 17 for males can translate into an actual age range of 12 to 150 years-old.

On with the story...

So... I was in Rite-Aid yestereday, just kind of wandering around, and I came across the CEA ("Complete Embarrassment Aisle.") For those of you that have never noticed - grocery stores and pharmacies have managed to put every single product that would make any person (man or woman) uncomfortable and/or embarrassed. For example... ever notice that placed together within one aisle, there are: condoms, tampons, pregnancy tests, yeast infection medication, douches, maxi pads, etc... all together in one aisle? Yeah. Is that supposed to be considered to be "one stop shopping?" Ew.

So anyway - I decide to walk down the CEA, because my "eek" purchase that day would be a box of tampons. (I say "eek" because I'm 25 years old, and I still don't like throwing down a big ol' box of tampons in front of a male cashier... even if he's ugly. It doesn't mean I won't do it - it just still sort of makes me go "eek." Well, unless I'm buying the tampons on or around the time that I'm actually having PMS, etc... in which case, I hope that it's a dude that rings me up... so that I can slam them down on the counter to make him uncomfortable. What can I say... for some reason, right around that time of the month... I just start doing things out of spite, and if it's a man we're talking about... they're lucky I don't throw that box at their head. PMS... good stuff.)

But, since I wasn't shopping during that particular time, I still considered it an "eek" purchase. Anyway... on with the story again....

So, I'm perusing the selections of feminine products, and there is another woman perusing them as well... and then... I realized that the music being piped through the Rite-Aid sound system is Aretha Franklin. And not just any... Aretha Franklin. No, no... it is playing, "....'Cause you make me feel... you make me feel... you make me feel like a nat-u-ral wo-man..."

I literally felt like I was in the commercial for the tampons I was holding.

Unfortunately, the other woman looking at them did not notice. However, if she had looked at me, I don't think I would have been able to hold it together. Laughter would have been inevitable.

What am I saying? Laughter is inevitable even as I type this story about... it's about tampons for God's sake.

So, anyway... Tampax... if you're out there looking for an actress for your ads... I'm available, and I have "tampon commercial" experience.

Fashion is for fashion people... you can't be cool, if you don't follow the rules...

2006-10-17T23:51:00.000-06:00

Or so it is said.

One last thing tonight - here is a flyer for the fashion show that I am going to be in this Sunday. It looks like it will be an amazing time - but it's in Boulder, which is kind of a bummer. Buuuuut... if you wanna go, there are benefits:
1) All proceeds go to a good cause
2) I get to wear a bra, with denim and chains - and it's hot. Don't you worry... I'll get pictures.

"Fashion is for fashion people...if you wanna be cool, you better follow these rules..." "you better walk... superodel.... walk .... incorporated.... walk your ass down the run-way, get paid." Fashion I can do... rock and roll I can do... but can I get up tomorrow on time, get shot in my neck... and then go do this?

It is yet to be determined. Cheers to waking up on time tomorrow!

The good news, and the bad news...

2006-10-17T23:37:00.000-06:00

The good news is that I had use of a digital camera tonight, and so I was able to take a bunch of new picutres... including picutres of our first snow! It's pretty. I also got pictures of my newly finished scarf that turned out perfect, and some pictures of my dog looking extra pissed that she is in her "winter-wear."

The bad news is that I forgot to bring home a cable to upload the pictures... so I'm going to have to do it tomorrow. SO - by tomorrow afternoon, or tomorrow night, I should have some rockin' new pictures to share.

In the meantime, I have been watching a lot of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" - and I can't get it out of my head. I finally find a clip of what I was thinking of all day. I even kept emailing to people as a still shot - but no one else had seen it. But anyway - I worked like crazy today, and all the whie, I couldn't get THIS out my head:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Carl's Solo

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It's awesome... now imagine having this in your head all day but nobody else has seen it or knows what you're talking about.

So... anyway....

Pictures tomorrow, cuddle up tonight because it's so cold and snowy, and then up early in the morning before work to get more shots in my muscles. I couldn't, be, more... excited.

Check back in the afternoon.... at least it will be more interesting than my "my back hurts" journal entries that have been filling up this blog lately. Thank god I went back to work - I have a reason to use my brain again.

Kind of.

Okay - just one more Carl clip from the show. I want someone to dress up like him for Halloween sooooo badly.

Somtethng I didn't write....

2006-10-14T05:21:00.000-06:00

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn..."

- No clue who strung these words together... so, we'll just go with "anonymous."

Hurt. Ow. Work. Ow. My back. Ow, my back.

2006-10-11T20:23:00.000-06:00

Yep.

Ow.

Sorry - I got nothing else.

I actually got to a point about an hour ago, that for ten minutes... I was comfortable. But... that was for ten minutes.

And now,

we're back to normal.

Normal,
back pain,
suck-town,
neverending,
back pain....

normal.

Impossible to sleep, no matter my intentions... and it's not sad. It's sunny.

2006-10-10T05:22:00.001-06:00

I have been trying to sleep for hours, but I finally gave up and turned on the computer, hoping that it would tire me.

I got new injections today. I have only cried twice during the couse of these procedures. The first was when I was getting the bone injections, and I remember crying in pain, just before they gave me more medicine through my I.V. to completely knock me out. The second time was today. I don't even know where it came from... my body just reacted without asking me, my eyes welling up, the heavy and quick sigh to a breath upward. He asked if I was crying; I told him yes. So, he decided that he had done enough today, because I should not be crying.

Thing thing I don't understand is that they always ask me when I leave these procedures, if my pain level has gone down at all.

NO. A big, emphatic, NO....

It hurts when they do it, and it hurts for days after. Pain medicine can only do so much, especially because my body seems to have a high tolerance to its pain relieving effects. Even though I had not taken anything for pain in the months leading up to these treatments, my body brushed off the medicine's effectiveness regardless; even without building up a "tolerance" to these medications through say, long-term use, consistent use, etc... As I said, my body was completely free of thsoe medicines for months before these procedures... but it doesn't matter.
These are not the only medicines that I find this to be true, either. However, there are some medications that hit me harder than they hit anyone else at all. I seem to have no gray are. Either I am completely unaffected, I am passed out on the floor.

Regardelss, doctors have to treat according to the "standard" patient - for reasons which I understand. But it is frustrating. I will say that. It is frustrating. I just want something that will leave me comfortable during this process... because there are days where I think that I just cannot take anymore. Today was one of those days. I can't sit too long, stand too long, carry things, lift things... I coudn't even run for more than a few steps with my dog tonight: each step I felt pain shooting from my lower back, all the way up towards the middle of my back... and I had to go back to walking. I felt defeated. How can it be possible that I cannot even jog for a few steps without excrutiating pain. How can it be possible that I cannot lay in my bed and be comfortable, or that after a week of bed-rest, I am right back where I started: in the middle of a flare up that never seems to end.

The doctor said to me today, "So what you're saying, is that you have been in a flare up, ever since they did the injections to your bones/joints?" Correct. That is correct. I thought a week in bed would help it, but I was sorely mistaken. I barely did anything today.... and I'm right back where I started last week when I took time off of work. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'll go back to work, and I won't be able to perform that way that I know I can. I'm scared too. If a week didn't do it... doesn't that mean I need more time? Or is more time not the answer? Is just, "suffering though it," "working through it" the only way I can live until this whole thing is over? And then, when is it over? One month? Six months?

Lord I just don't know - but what I do know, is that I am here again - at 5am, close to sunrise, unable to sleep.... is it just the pain? Is the stress of knowing the pain is there? The stress of knowing that I cannot successfully mask the pain? Is it thinking about returning to work on Wednesday? Looking at the faces of all of those that had to cover my work for me while I was gone? Not knowing whether I could end up where have been for the past week - on bedrest - within a few days because my body cannot physically take it?

I worry. I didn't worry last week, because last week, I had time, and the notion that I would feel better when the time ran out. Well... now the time has run out. I'm still where I started. And worrying about this all is what probably keeps me up until the sun threatens to appear.

I hate being awake when the sun comes up, when I haven't slept the night before. It's memories of parties I should have left early, and memories that I'm convinced that I've outgrown. But, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It seems that I have outgrown those memories, and that my reasons for greeting the sun so harshly are for different reasons entirely. I think that I will beat the sun... but just in case, I'll try to remember not to feel so horrible when I see it peeek through those cheap, panel curtains that separate me from the world.

This isn't a sad post. It isn't depressing. I am not sad, and I am not depressed... I simply worry, and wait, and my body hurts all the while. It is such a fine line between letting the physical pain run over into your mental health. This has not happened to me. I feel positive, not grim. I worry, but in the end I believe that it will all work out to please me. So far, even though my physical pain has consumed my thoughts, it has not consumed my sense of hope, or my happy sense of self that can ony be built by everything else. No matter have heavy the problems on the left weigh in, they are still being outweighed by the unending solutions, support, happiness, and hope that are far heavier.... in the end, leaving me satisfied - fighting, but satsified.

It may make me cry, from treatment to treatment.... but it will take a lot more to take me down.

So - before I have to greet the sun... I am going to try to close my eyes once again... play sleepy until it becomes real.

I'll post tomorrow when I have more resources and more rest.

Good night, and good day, my loves.

No words, only music...

2006-10-07T20:15:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write something, but I have nothing left. I have used the little bit of energy I had in me already, sending messages to explain why I haven't been around. Sometimes, I think that explaining why you haven't been around, actually takes more energy than just being around. So, because of my lack of words and energy to find them, I have decided to simply post a video. The video is for a song that I have been listening to over and over again this evening. The video is old, the sound not that great... but the song is still as brilliant as ever. It encompasses the true nuance of the word, "bittersweet."

When the going gets tough, the tough get going... Straight for their favorite things.

2006-10-05T20:39:00.000-06:00

Part One - The tough:

Still hurting... I have had a pounding headache for the last two days. Everyday just feels like one, big, long nap - and every time I wake up, I just want to go back to sleep because I hurt so badly.

Somehow, I bit the hell out of the end of my tongue - I did it this past weekend, and it doesn't seem to have gotten any better. That is what feels the worst when I first wake up; it must have something to do with breathing through my mouth why I sleep. It's also making it difficult to eat - especially fruit that would be good for me, and is something that I really want. I spent the money on really yummy, overpriced pineapple chunks from Whole Foods.... but it kills me to eat it. Boo. I got some numbing stuff, but it wears off quickly, and takes away from the enjoyment that I get from the flavor. Double boo.

The other extra, added bonus of waking up from naps is the shooting back pain, cramping and spasming, and the pounding headaches. See, they return when I wake up, because the pain medicine that I took way before I fell asleep has either started to, or completely worn off. I also have this thing where I have to eat immediately after waking from a nap. I have no idea why... I just do, and I always have.

So, now picture that all day and all night, I awake... I get up to go to the fridge (but have to kind of "hobble" over to it because of the pain) and get my yummy pineapple. I eat the pineapple, and my mouth starts killing me, and my head is killing me, and I can't get comfortable to lay again. I'll lay in one spot that seems comfy, but within 2 minutes - pain. So, I just continue to try to find a comfortable position with no success, waiting until enough hours have passed so that I can take a pain pill.

Part Two: The Going... Towards my favorite things:

I suppose that this all sounds very bleak. But - I'm not so bleak. It could always be worse... always. There are some things that always make me feel better - fresh beauty products, for one. I can't tell you how enjoyable it is to open up a brand new jar of moisturizer, and to make the first mark on its factory-smooth surface... or to twist up a new tube of lipstick, in its original shape, without so much as a smudge defacing its waxy shine. I could go on this forever, describing the joy of each product available - but I'll move along.

Anyway, I was reading a magazine article today, and they were reviewing the "best products" around.... and it occurs to me that I should publish my own "best of" list of products. My list is practical, sometimes expensive, but also sometimes thrifty. I have done my extensive experimentation over the years, and it has been confirmed by several, credible sources that I am, in fact, quite knowledgeable on the topic. Now, of course, there are different lists for different people - so I may publish different lists at different times... but today, the list will be "Abby's Standard Beauty Staples."

This list is a list of products that are standards and staples in my medicine cabinet and makeup bag - many of them so basic, however, that they are fitting for anyone, regardless of skin-type, undertones, coloring, etc. So here it is...

Abby's Standard Beauty Staples

List is split up into categories, and indicates how pricey it is ($, $$, $$$):

Facial Cleanser: "Cetaphil - Gentle Skin Cleanser" The end-all of facial cleansers. It's soap free, and it is perfect for every, single kind of skin-type out there... it covers the entire range. $
Eye Cream: "Clinique - Daily Eye Benefits" I've been using this since the age of 16... they took it off the market once, and I was never able to find an equivalent before it was finally brought back. $$$
Facial Masque: "Pevonia - Clarifying Masque (The one that smells like apples)" The pain about this one is that you can only get it at spas and salons that carry it - and that can be hard to find. This link to Pevonia's site will allow you to search for a spa that carries the line. $$$
Lip Moisture: Under lipstick - "Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm (in a Chapstick-like tube)" Thick enough that lipstick won't slide right off, but less "waxy" than standard wax-based moisturizers. $
Lip Moisture: No lipstick - "Kiehl's Lip Balm #1 (in a tube, SPF 4)" This is basically Vaseline, but upgraded. I love it. Too shiny and slimy to put under lipstick, however.
$
Best Lip Gloss: "Chanel - Glossimer, in Giggle" It will be the most expensive tube of lipgloss that you've ever bought... but it will be worth it. You know how you guy glosses and you use a little bit, but you can't really say that you've ever actually finished one? Well - meet your match. I go through these until I am scraping the bottom with the wand. Not only does it look gorgeous on, but it stays put, better than any other gloss I've tried. Plus, is smells like Chanel... mmmmmm.... $$$
Best Red Lipstick: ""Lancome - Rouge Sensation in Ambrette" This has cooler tones in it, and an extremely subtle gold glimmer. An intense red that you can wear to work, or out. $$$
Best Lotion: "Nivea - Creme, in the classic blue jar, or larger blue glass tub" These also come in miniature tins to carry in your purse - they open and close easily (unlike other tins) and cost only 99 cents. I actually just buy a couple, and then continue to refill them using the regular jar, or large tub. $
Best Mascara: "Lancome - Hypnose" I have never found a better mascara. No curlers needed here. $$$
Best Concealer: "Chanel - Corrective Concealer, in lipstick-like tube" This cream concealer is amazing: it brightens, and hides... it has covered for me and my lack of sleep many-a-times. $$$
Best Eye Shadow based on wear-ability: "Chanel - Quadra Eye Shadows" These pigments are strong enough that they are bold without repeated application, are extremely blendable, and looks elegant and understated nonetheless $$$
Best Eye Shadow based on Ooh-la-la factor: "M.A.C Shadows" These are crammed full of pigment - a little goes a long way. No need to reapply as you go... they are blendable, but they mean business. You can look like a natural beauty, pale and fine like Kate Moss, or you could look as extreme as Grace Jones... they accommodate both. You can use it wet or dry. It is the liaison between stage makeup, and everyday makeup. $$$
Best Hairspray: "Sebastian - Shaper" Hands down, best hairspray.... ever. $$
Best Atypical Hair Product: "mop - c-system moisture spray" This is what I call "salt-spray." It was created to mimic the feeling that your hair has when you go swimming in the ocean, and the salt water makes it feel stiffer. I love it so much, in fact, that I have started showering at night, getting up in the morning - and instead of "wetting" my hair to do it... I use this spray instead of water. It's divine. $$
Best Eye-Makeup Remover: "Target Brand - Eye Makeup Remover (in the small blue bottle)" This is actually the generic brand of L'Oreal's Eye Makeup Remover - but I like the Target brand sooo much better. It works exactly the same, but the difference? The Target version smells like rosewater. Well, and... plus, it's cheaper. $
Best Shaving Cream: "Kiss My Face - Shaving Cream" This is a non-aerosol, "natural" shaving cream. And, it really is more like a cream than the usual amazing and expanding Barbasol-style cream. It pumps out like hand-soap, and after lathering it up, it becomes creamy, but not puffy like the other stuff, and the shave is smoother, less irritating, more moisturizing... I tried this stuff once, and I have never turned back. I can't even imagine using something like Skintimate again.... no way. $

Okay, that's all for now... but those are 16 things that I love, and that I would recommend to everybody. Trust me people... I know what I'm talking about!

Can't sleep, but ain't got nothin' to do...

2006-10-03T02:49:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep again tonight. My sleep schedule is so completely off becuase of the physical exhaustion that comes with these treatments and medications for my back.

But

- it is official, that my doctor has requested that I stay at home for the remainder of the week. I haven't been able to work a full day of work in at least a week or so - not missing that many complete days, but having to go home early, or take a long lunch - because I feel so incredibly awful. My phsical pain, and how and when I experience it can be deceiving at times, however. This past weekend, I really only left the house to walk my dog, go to Whole Foods, Blockbuster, etc... and every time that I went somewhere, I felt comfortable and ready to go. However, after being up and about for even an hour, I start to get shooting pains and spasms, headaches.... you name it. It takes a lot of rest it seems, to have such a low amount of energy, these days.

Even with work today, when I went to bed last night, I was pretty excited about starting a new week, a clean slate, getting caught up on my work, etc... and when I went to bed last night, I was feeling decent. But, by 9AM this morning, I already was starting to feel it. The intense spasms, the shooting pain, the headache, the nerve pain... and then on to the nausea from taking medication to releive those symptoms. I ended up going home for lunch, taking medication for naseau, and then laying around for an hour until I went to my appointment in the afternoon, with the intention of going back to work after my appointment.

I am very fortunate to have an understanding boss, that is willing to accept that "life happens" - and that people have their own health and personal well-being to worry about outside of work. So, he suggested earlier this morning, that I talk to my doctor about taking a "leave" so that I can heal... and with a doctor's "note" - I can take the time that I need without it reflecting negatively on my attendance record. So, at my appointment, I really laid everything out for the P.A. that has been doing my weekly trigger point injections. She felt pretty strongly, after everything that I told her, that I should resting. In fact, she was surprised that I had not asked for something like that sooner - given the treatment plan that I am on. She wrote the note out for the rest of this week. However, I see the "big doctor" on Wednesday - he is the doctor that originally orchestrated my treatment plan, and Wednesday is my follow up to discuss treatment options from here - progress, regression, etc. So, given how well that goes on Thursday, and what he has to say - I could be going back to work as soon as Thursday, or be out even longer - a couple of weeks, who knows? Like I said, I am very fortunate to have such a "human" boss, one that recognizes that I have a medical condition that I need to deal with - not an "attendance problem."

So - I will be home the rest of this week, starting tomorrow morning. I have very mixed feelings about it. I know that it is the right thing for me to do - not just for my the well-being of my job, but for the well-being of my physcial and mental state as well. I can try to deny it up and down, but the honest truth is that when I'm not taking it easy, and I'm running around, sitting in office chairs, etc. throughout the day... I'm in excrutiating pain. When I got in that second accident in July, and then began these treatments - it was as if I opened up "Pandora's Box." But, it seems to be that the way of these treatments, is that I may feel much worse before I can start to feel better.

But, the most important thing, is that I am still positive about the healing process. This is the first time I have dealt with this "head-on" without waivering, or stopping treatments, or choosing to just "mask" pain rather than treat it, etc... and I'm not giving it up this time. I really think that these will work - I just need to stick with "doctor's orders" for the next few months. And, I need to stop minimalizing my condition, because that is what has gotten me here in the first place.

It will be quite strange to take "leave" from work - regardless of how long it ends up being. It could be three days, it could be three months... at this point, I just don't know. But it's hard for me to hand over responsibility while I am out - because I really like my job, and I think that I am good at it.... when I'm healthy. Right now, I'm not healthy, and even the most menial tasks seem to be the size of mountains when put before me. I just feel so fortunate to have good specialists that I trust, an understanding boss, positive outlook, and a network of family and friends that are here for me - especially Josie, who has made my life more "live-able" throughout this whole thing. Sometimes, it takes him getting stern with me, for me to believe in myself and to not minimalize my feelings (physical and emotional) so that I can communicate accurately with my docotors to ensure appropriate treatment.

So - tomorrow I start my "leave." We'll see what the big man says on Wednesday - but for right now, I am going to enjoy that I will be able to lay down, take my medications, use heatings pads, and watch television for the next few days, at least. Even as I write this, my head is pounding, my lower back is aching with shooting pain, and my neck is simply unexplainable... there are no words. (That was the spot that I had the injections into today.) Just knowing that tomorrow, my only job is to rest, recover, and heal - I feel somewhat better already. Add that relief to the relief of emotional stress that has come from this whole thing... worrying about pain, work, etc... now, as I said before - my only job for the moment is to heal.

I'm sure I'll have lots of time to play on the computer... so be on the lookout for new blogs and updates. I will have a lot of time on my hands... but from my experience, the time "off" never seems like a vacation, or even "free time" for that matter... because I'm sick... I'm in pain. "Free time" is misleading, because when you feel like this, your time isn't really free. Not exactly a Jamaican cruise, you know?

So, that is the rundown... just so that everyone knows where I am, and what I'm doing. I'll be on the computer a lot, and I'm guessing that I'll be putting together some fun posts to counteract the way that I'm feeling. So, enough with the rundown, and on with the fun! (Until the next doctor's visit, of course... then I'll be forced to give you another update.)

Sunday ending...

2006-10-01T22:23:00.000-06:00

A fairly unproductive weekend for some people, I suppose. However, when one is not feeling well - boring things take on a whole new level of enjoyment.

Today I had a marathon of "The Office" (the UK version, of course) - such a great show. However, I am amazed that that they were able to produce the US version to be even remotely successful, if only for the reason that the UK version is so incredibly un-"P.C." by American standards. The producers in the US must have had to take out half of the show... waaaaay too tongue-in-cheek for an American audience. It's so funny that when we think of America juxtaposed with the UK, the UK may seem more "proper" or "formal" while America would come off with a more "rebelious" or even "crass" tone in comparison. I mean, you could make that conclusion based on linguistics alone... have you ever seen a press conference with both Tony Blair and President Bush? Enough said.

However, what I always forget when using these extremely generalized portraits, is that it was America that was built by religious purists, persecuted and fleeing from England. So, it was these European transports, these new "Americans" that got the ball rolling on this side of the Atlantic. Consequently then, it comes as no surprise that our standards of "suitable"( when it comes to viewing, listening, etc. ) were spawned from a much stricter family of values. I mean, for over a decade, it hasn't been just Tipper Gore, up there all by herself, fighting "filth."

I'm not attempting to make my own proclomations of what is suitable or not suitable, what is right or wrong, etc. Rather, it is simply food for thought: how funny it is - the subtle, and not so subtle differences around the world, and how they may cotradict our generalizations.

Next Topic....

Finally got off to a new start on my black scarf project... I had previously ripped apart all projects because of mistakes, frustrations, etc....

So, I have now started a new scarf for Josie - all black, soft wool, stockinette - but with a knit border on the ends and all along the sides of the scarf. I will post pictures when I'm finally finished. But, so far, so good. No mistakes - and it's turing out exactly like I wanted it to.

Next Topic...

Go for another round of trigger point injections tomorrow afternoon, and then a "follow-up" visit with the "big" doctor... the one that planned out the whole last month, and who did the joint injections (the ones that the put me under for.) So, we'll see how that goes.

I'm hoping for a positive meeting, because right now, the pain is affecting my work and my general well-being. But, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sure it's what I"ll be talking about all week, so... I'll take a break tonight.

New Topic...

Go to work tomorrow morning - got myself a new little top at Target, so maybe that will bring my spirits up. Hurrah.

New Topic...

Josie starts new job on Tuesday - we did a little Target shopping for him this weekend. He's never worked in an office environment, and didn't have a thing for it (nor the $$ to buy a thing for it....) so I gave him a little loan and we went "business casual" shopping at Target. Truly, it's fun for me - I love buying clothes and it doensn't matter if they're for me or not. He will look amazing... got the basics... he will be professional and handsome. I've never really bought clothes like that for anyone else before. I mean, I know that he will be paying me back right away or whatever - but I really didn't mind. It almost seemed like a good investment - good rate of return on that investment. :) He's going to do great. He'll do great at his new job now, he'll do great at school, and he will do great with whatever he decides he's going to do after that. It doesn't even matter what it is, because whatever it is, it will be important - important to him, and maybe even important to something much larger than himself. Who knows? But, I absolutely love the anticipation of waiting to see what he accomplishes, and what a man he will be. Of course, I've always had the same hope and anticipation for myself - for the woman that I'll become, and the things I'll accomplish- but I must say that it's been enjoyable to have those same level of feelings regarding someone else's life. It's really nice to be holding hands with someone, and not feeling like I'm pulling them behind me, or feeling like they're pulling me behind them, me resisting them because I know that they're going in the wrong direction.

Ugh, gross... cheese alert.

New Topic...

How can you top the sappiness on the last one?

Good night. :)

This funniness outweighs any seriousness left from my last post...

2006-09-26T15:08:00.000-06:00

So... this is a real thing.

No.

Seriously.

http://www.manties.net/

I think I just forgot about my back pain for a little bit. Thank you, manties.

Ouch.

2006-09-26T14:49:00.000-06:00

This is what they did to me. But, at the end of this little animation "short" - they have a nice blue shaded "relief" ending. But I don't have a little blue shaded area yet. I just have the blinking red - still.

This was on Thursday. It is the only explanation I can give for my leave of absence from society for a few days. I missed a lot of good stuff. But those needles.... they are bastards. And they are mean.

Owning an extraordinary machine is never easy...

2006-09-20T00:51:00.000-06:00

I've had a few difficult days lately as I begin to accept that I must live for me - realize that I don't always have to defend my choices, my happiness, my life... when I have already tried these choices against my own jury of reason, and sensibility.

I heard this song the other day, and the lyrics seemed to completely correlate with my feelings of letting go, tearing down the walls that have held me inside for years - and rather, I am now choosing to start taking back ownership of myself - my body, my mind... these belong to me. They have always been there - held in front of me - offerred to me to take... but when you reside between those walls, day by day -time will force the corner where you curled up and slept for years to start becoming further and smaller, pushing you out, forcing you to wake up. Wake up!
Still groggy, you become certain that the weight of taking back such things, things that you had auctioned off when you thought you couldn't use them again... facing the weight of your own bones, the weight of your eyelids after keeping them closed for so long, the weight of your heart, your accountability, your expectations, your choices... I awoke, finally prepared to take back what was mine all along.

Like I said, it has been the struggling sort of days. Accountable for my choices, however, I embrace the stuggle as well as the peace.

Anyway - ready to go to bed, so I'll just get on with the song lyrics then:

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes-
And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, soI can't stop changing all the time
I notice that my opponent is always on the go-
And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came-
But he's no good at being uncomfortable,
so he can't stop staying exactly the same
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way,
and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play
I am the baby of the family, it happens, so-
Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease-
Courteous, to try and help - but let me set yourMind at ease
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.
Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
It's very kind
But it's to no avail;
I don't want the bailI promise you,
everything will be just fine
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine!

-Fiona Apple

New links to explore...

2006-09-15T19:09:00.000-06:00

I tell you this, because you probably don't pay attention to the stuff on the sides of the blog. However, I feel compelled to tell you that you should do some investigating of those links... because I just customized, organized, fabu-lized, lengthened-ized... not so much alphabetized, though. Problematic?

Oh, what am I worried about. This is the internet. People don't know how to spell here. This stupid place spawned systems that made, perfected, infiltrated, and overused, things like LOL... ROFL... BRB... unfortunately, being the square that I am, I only know those 3 right now. Regardless, my point remains... spelling, along with grammar, punctuation, fully spelled words, words with the correct use of "upper" and "lower" case letters within a word... the list only goes on... they're done. Do people not realize the image that people get of them when they write that way on the internet? I know what I imagine when I see a sentence like, "gEez i WiSH me too go too mcdOnA!D:s - 4 a Burgar" - this is the easiest puncline to fill in the blanks, and it will always be funny - but my image is gap-toothed muscle tee wearing, Wrangler wearing (not the new ones either... these are not by any means cowboys), greasy balding mullet hair, working in the shed on his meth lab, port-a-potty out front, yelling for no good reason, square ugly ball cap wearing, skin and bones, inbred, living in Appalachia, 2nd grade educated, but 37 years old, prison ankle moniter wearing (for the next 90 days anyway), laughing through his teeth... dude.

Well... either that guy, or you're a Goth.

That's what I picture. Now, I'm sure that in reality these idiot writers are fairly intelligent middle school kids, or smart 40 year old nerd gamers... and if I were those people, I don't think I'd want to misrepresent myself. I mean, that's a pretty mean misrepresentation, snap.

Anyway - back to the point of this whole post: go look at my new links to some other sites that I frequent or just enjoy from time to time.

Do it. I spent a lot of time writing the html code to do it... it would be rude not to look.

I'll tell on you to your mother if you don't.... hmmmm? That's what I thought, it's starting to sound like a better idea now, isn't it.

Good choice reader... your mom would have ben sooooo mad and you'd be in so much trooooouuuble! Think about it. The more you think about it, the faster you will go to look at the links.

A bust.

2006-09-15T16:01:00.000-06:00

Point, match - Mom.

I did not prove my Mom wrong, as was suggested in prior post, as Sleep-a-thon was a total bust.

Rather, I got a 103 degree fever, and couldn't fall asleep until 1:30 or so. Total... bust.

Hopefully I'll be able to pick up where that sleep left off tonight.

My back hurts so bad. I don't understand why - the last few days it wasn't like this. But I can't even sit in this office chair without it killing me. And I like my office chair! I actually used to find it quite cozy!

Tonight.. tonight... I'm goin' to sleep tonight....

I have been so slammed at work today that I didn't even time to finish the "pressing" things at the top of my list. Proof positive? I haven't even looked at Perez today! That's blasphemy!
Please forgive me Perez, for I have sinned...

... but I totally promise to look at later!

Maybe once I find out what's going on in the rest of the world, I'll post something relevant, like a commentary on somethng going on... rather than just stuff about me that is kind of lame. I mean, it's not like this post was a story or anything with a punchline to enterain you at the end.

No, I'd say this is pretty run of the mill, boring, "journal-esque" blog posting. I would add a picture or something to spice it up.... but I don't know...

Okay you talked me into it. Get ready for a little spice to add to this white rice:

This is pretty funny...

PLEASE NOTE - IMAGE REMOVED
***The image previously posted in this spot has been removed by the blogger - well... me. It was a joke-picture, a fake advertisement, featuring "cameltoes" thinking that it was funny. When I found out the reason that a few people were bothered by it, I instantly felt horrible. Cameltoes have just always been funny to me - and I only picture them on skinny 40 year old women that just came from yoga and straight on to the grocery store - and their comination of spandex and lack of underwear... THAT is a cameltoe.
What I did not consider, or even know about until a few days ago, is that it is also associated with overweight women - sometimes used to make fun of them by calling them cameltoe, because they're pants are tight... I guess. I personally have never noticed that - I only see the older skinny spandex women... but it makes me feel sick to my stomach that someone would call an overweight girl, already sensitive about how she looks, "cameltoe" - as a cruel way to make fun of, or insult a woman. It simply perpetuates the ideal body type for women - thin, big breased, long legs, a flat stomach, and hairless bodies I despise this ideal, and actualy, the majrity of the women I find most stunning - do NOT follow within this impossivle standard. These ancient and patriarchal driven body ideals are not only unrealistic, but also just a "fantasy." But, no matter how ridiculos these fantasies may be, and how unattainable they are for 90% of women - these images are so pervasive that they can destroy a woman's image of herself, internalize it, and have a strong impact on their mental well being - sometimes to the point of developing eating disorders to try to fit that "ideal" image
Well... I was absolutley unaware of the connection between overweight women and cameltoes - but now I do. I would never, in a million years, poke fun at a fellow sister for being overweight - and the thought of me making someone feel bad as a result of my picture-joke leaves me feeling mortified. So - to those of you that were bothered by it - I plead ignorance, and apologize for making you feel that way.

Truly beautiful women always break the mold, choosing not to be imprisoned by an ideal that is sexist and internalized. They just look how they look, they enjoy their bodies and their lives, and focus on their unique qualities, rather than chasing the unattainable. These women accomplish amazing things, lead happy, productive lives... all because they are not distracted by an ongoing internal struggle, slowing turning them against themselves, and in extreme cases, punish their bodies with eating disorders.

I see "real" women, happy and accomplished - and I see the most beautiful women in the world.

Again - I apologize for any feelings hut. My ignorance, or rather, my different view towards women in general - it bothered and upset some people for the specific reasons that I wrote above.

And this one...

And this one - which was an actual secret someone sent in to share on PostSecret.

What I think is funny is that I typically do not associate cars like that with small penis complexes. So, maybe this guy is normal, but he's just got pipe dreams. If you ask me, the absolute, end all, winner of the "I have a small penis" award.. is the huge truck, with huuuuuge wheels, and huuuuuge lift - so that you need a freaking ladder to get in. In my humble opinion, that is that actual fact. I would't know though... I don't know anyone that has a truck like that, so I couldn't ask them. Although would that be rude?

Okay. Next slide.

This is a picture of me in front of my dorm, my freshman year in college. Next to me is my friend Sofia.

Next...let's keep this moving.

OK - I call unfair standards here. Why is so funny and pseudo-cute when a little girl does it... but when I do it in the "workplace" it's a "problem." I call unfair standards. I bet with the people I deal with everyday - my reason for doing it is way better than hers. What? Did she just lose her toy lizard, and her Mom won't help her look for it? Or maybe she and her friend are making an indie documentary to show to their fellow students at the Elementary School to make a "statement." Either way - my reasons are better.

By the way - I've never done that at work. Well, maybe once from behind the wall of my cube. Not so rebellious.

Move on!

This one was titled by the author, "passive agressive dog training" - and I think it's hilarious. Especially if you've seen the Saturday Night Live sketch where Will Ferrell is using sarcasm to train his dog. Hmmmm... maybe I need to post a video of that too for you to fully appreciate the humor...

Okay, you talked me into it - you twisted my arm you cheeky monkeys:

FYI - if you like Will Ferrell, I found this video on a site that has a list, with videos, of the 10 best Will Ferrel SNL sketches ever... in THIS GUY'S opinion anyway.

Okay - this next one is only funny to me because I think my face looks all puffy like the Michelin man. But again - only funny to me. I can accept that. Otherwise, I'm using this as the finale to my little slideshow, because I thought I'd end with something sweet. For anyone who doesn't know (and honestly, how many people out there could be reading this if they don't actually know me and were forced to look at it because I made you... I'm guessing there is a slim chance to none) this is myself and my boyfriend Josie. Oh sorry. Josiah. I don't think he would like it if everyone else started calling him Josie, thinking that was his real name. The only reason I use it is because I made it up and thought it was clever; because he loves me he's willing to answer to it. Although, I must admit - even after using it for months now... I still think "Josie and the Pussycats" when I hear myself say it. But that's fading!

Et, voila! Le grande garcon et la belle fille... dans l'amour... et nous sommes heureux que nous ayons trouvé l'eachother, parce qu'il est joli comme un rêve, quand je le vois et il me voit.

Je vous laisse tout maintenant pour finir mon travail, pour aller à la maison, dormir, et re-dream moi et se réveiller à ces rêves et le voir tout le droit et se lever droit et se tenir vers le haut avec les os que j'ai été.

Ah, donné à bonne nuit mes petits voyeurs, qui jettent un coup d'oeil dans ma vie et puis disparaissent invisible. :)

Oooooy vey.

2006-09-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

I am hallucinating.

My brain would not let me sleep last night - I was in panic mode all day, and it just came to a head in the evening. Went to bed at 1... after calming the "panicked" feeling... tossed and turned without a second of sleep... until all of a sudden it was 7am... and time to go to work.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Good news. Panic has since been replaced by dire need of rest. I feel like a 17 year-old that has gone out all night, and then went straight to work... which as a 17 year-old, I used to do. 25 may not be 50... but it is certainly not 17. I can tell you that. The nerd meter has gone up about 100 notches, including the requirement of necessary sleep hours to function as a human. 17... party all night... sling bagels all day. 25... boring all night... want to call in sick all day to recover. Boo. I'm lame.... but I prefer to use the word "cozy." :) 17... raging 'til the sun comes up. 25... knitting after the sun goes down, waking up and saying, "the sun's already up? But I'm too tiiiiired for it to be up." Guess my dancin' shoes got hung up after the new millenium. Or maybe they just changed from addidas sneakers to stiletto pumps... and I don't care how hard core you are, lady... do not try to tell me that you can dance all night without thinking about your shoes. Or bilsters rather? Or sore toes rather? Or aching fee rather? Or sprained ankle rather? However, these things lose out to the thoughts of, "these.... are.... hot! Look at 'em! I'm posh spice!" Okay okay okay... on with the groaning and explaining...

Bad news. I am stuck in this cubicle for 2 more hours (after final additions... I am down to 40 minutes.) AND - let me tell you, given the condition I am in, I have been incredibly productive. Luckily for me, the act of typing itself is both mentally stimulating to keep up alterness, and soothing for me with its fluid motion.

Fluid motion? Time to go to bed. That sounds like a hack-poet phrase.

2 more hours and then... I get to watch "The Office" (British version of course) on DVD and relax, let the knots in my back take a smoke break, or a lunch break... or whatever. They'll stop, in simple terms, with use of my savior... my heating pad. Thank god for bestowing upon me such a wonderful heating pad! Heating pad- you have helped me through many a nights. You're the personal traveling massage therpist I never had. Please don't ever break. Oh, and can't forget Advil. Advil also plays a supporting role to the heating pad. Very important.

I wish I had my heating pad right now. Damn. It gives me something to look forward to, I suppose.

What... else... what... else...

I think I'll be feeling pretty good once I sleep away all of this sleep deprivation - I'm looking into the future... I'm seeing, a refreshed, shiny version of me, getting ready for work on time, eyes bright, skin flawless. I do not lie... it's hiding in here somewhere... I just have to shed this haggardness in my sleep like a snake.... and come out colorful and stealthy with my new... new.. awakeness? Well, certainly not scales anyway. They make good lotions for that. I'll further the analogy for those of you intersted: like a snake, I can sometime be poisonous when provoked. Oooooo... sizzlah.... tstststst (that is a sizzling sound that I am making while touching my fingertip to my skin.... you are welcome, for your thanks, to me, for the imagery.)

Okay - the time has almost come to retreat to my beauty chambers (okay, it's a studio apartment) to transform with the passing of one night!

Chick-a-boom.

Not sure if the stupid smile on my face is the result of deleriousness from sleep deprivation... or because I crack myself up and think that I'm really funny. It seems more genuine to go with option two... besides... if you aren't your biggest fan - then who else is it going to be? You've got to be able to entertain yourself somehow.... enter.... the blog... and things that I think are extremely funny to me when I write them. Me mind you... I've accepted the fact that I may be the only one that thinks I'm funny.

Well... my Mom thinks I'm funny.

But she also thinks I don't get enough sleep.

Tonight I shall prove her wrong... one hour away from "sleep-a-thon 2006" - the most enjoyable rest I will have all year... probably anyway... that I can remember.... whatever.
Tonight... I prove that I can be rested! Tonight... I SLEEP! And I shall not rest until I... oh wait... I guess that phrase does not appropriately fit the situation.... hmmmm... how about.... just... forward ho! To the sleeping! Okay, okay, now that is not good either. I sound like I'm ordering myself while also insluting myself by calling myself a ho. Thaaaaaat's not going to work for me either.

You know, it occurs to me that if I spent less time motivating myself for "sleep-a-thon" - I may accomplish more...

but what fun is running my mouth via keyboard if I am not writing overly wordy sentences that only I (and possibly my Mom) think are funny? Hmmmm? Not... fun... at all.

No sir.

I mean ma'am.

By the way, if it I was going to leave a comment. I would probably tell me to shut up.

And I would probably not listen.

But, I could just go on for hours.... but I won't. I leave you know... my readers - all zero of you most likely. I wish I could bestow an award to you for making it this far through this post. You, sir or madam, are a gem. A gem with a lot of time on their hands it should be noted.

I'm just saying.

Good night Denver! I'm leaving this blog like a hair band leaving the stage... ROCK N ROLL DENVER! COME BACK TOMORROW TO SEE OUR BRAND NEW SHOW... THAT ISN'T BORING LIKE THIS ONE WAS. PROMISE.... YEAH ROCK N ROLL! WOO!

And.... I'm out.

Bon Jovi (circa 1985) has left the building.

Who does it better... the finale.

2006-09-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

As far as the music goes... I may never be able to declare a winner. I mean, Abba was the original - but Madonna... well, she's Madonna!

However, I am going to declare Abba the winner of this round. Why? Well, I was taking a closer look at both pictures, and I decided that Abba deserved the win, based alone on the fact that Abba didn't have Photoshop on its side back in the day. They are fighting with a handicap! Look at Madonna... so smooth, so Photoshopped. But Abba? There is just no editing there. What you see is what you get!

So - Abba... you win by my decision to "level the playing field" when it comes to marketing.

Well... and your name does sound amazingly similar to my own...

We have a winner!

Who does it better... PART TWO

2006-09-11T12:01:00.000-06:00

Just in case you needed some more material to make your decision - I have been so kind as to give you audio/visual selections in addition to my original question... who does it better???

Okay.... now that you've seen Abba... see the revamped sample in "Hung Up."

Who does it better?

2006-09-11T11:24:00.000-06:00

Madonna's "Hung Up?" Or Abba's "Gimme Gimme Gimme" that was sampled on "Hung Up?"

OR...

Taking a break, up late.

2006-09-10T02:34:00.000-06:00

I needed a break from knitting... I have been stitching away at my new purple project and my eyesight was started to become blurred.

We ended up not going out tonight - but of course I am still up at 2:30 in the morning. You know why? Because I get to sleep in tomorrow. It has become my greatest luxury... to sleep in until one if I want to. Even so, Josiah has fallen asleep hours ago. That's just what he does. There is never any disagreement as to what to watch on television at night - because I know that I'll be able to watch whatever I want as soon as he falls asleep... which is immediately.

So, I am now watching Roseanne, and taking a break from stitch, pearl, stitch, pearl...

I was watching the episode of Roseanne where the Dad is trying to get to know his teenage daughter better because they had lost touch since she had become a teenager... and that got me thinking. Before my parents moved to California, I used to hang out with my Dad a lot. My Mom was always traveling, and I lived five minutes away from their house, so I used to just show up in the evenings and eat dinner with my Dad, then put in a movie to watch, before finally going home when he had to go to bed. I always liked going over there because it was very calm, and very clean. And, it was always distinctly cool in the house, while it was humid and warm outside. It was one particular summer that I remember spending a lot of time at that house - the same summer that I had my wisdom teeth pulled.

I would come over, and my brother and I would give my Dad a reason to cook a full dinner while my Mom was away, and then I would sip Chamomile Tea and lay on the couch and watch movies. My Dad and I watched a lot of movies - I think we even went to a movie together once just the two of us... I think it was Alien: Resurection. There was also a period of time, right before they moved, that he wasn't working because it was so close to moving time from Colorado to California, and in between classes, and when I was bored, I would call him and meet him for coffee. It was very bizarre when they moved, because I had become so used to just hanging out at their house.

I suppose I never realized what a "Daddy's Girl" I was unitl I was older - although, it was never in a "spoiled brat Daddy's Girl" kind of way. It was more that I always thought my Dad was the greatest man out there; when there is a healthy relationship between a father and his daughter, it is one of the most unique and meaningful relationships that a girl ever has. There is a huge percentage of the population that never gets to experience that - I have been quite privileged in that respect.

The bond between my Mom and I is just as special and wonderful, although, it is uniquely different from the one with my Dad. The relationship with my Mom leaves me more transparent: she knows me, can see through me. She believes in me, and expects from me what she knows I'm capable of. In fact, knowing what I was capable of was same reason she busted me so much in high schoool. :) My Dad believed in me too, of course - but when it came to what I was capable of, his beliefs leaned toward the idea that I would never decide to use my powers for evil... only good. :) Fortunately, like all smart women, I have decided to balance the two when putting my powers to use. Ha!

Anyway, back to knitting maybe... maybe a late night/early morning snack. I bought Strawberry Toaster Strudels today; for someone that purchases all of their groceries at Whole Foods, Toaster Strudels are like CRACK! You certainly will not be finding Toaster Strudel at Whole Foods - along with donuts, and real Oreos. That box of strudel will be gone within a day... easily.

Good night everyone.... good night Josie, see you in the morning.

This will take up your entire day when you take just one look...

2006-09-09T02:04:00.000-06:00

I came across this site while doing my daily "celeb blog" research. There is a great site called www.cityrag.com. It is part celebrity gossip, part "I love New York." The guy who runs it finds the coolest sites out there, with tons of NY-related (and sometimes slightly unrelated) photography. I've seen everything from 1940's black & white photos of the city, to present-day "street shots" of fashionable New Yorkers.

A week ago, he put up a link to this guy. Opacity is the name of the site, and it is a photography collection done by a man that has a historical appreciation of old mental hospitals, amusement parks, schools, etc. At first, the site had a "creepy factor" to it. But, the more I looked through the site, the more that a realistic historical context set in while viewing it.

Why is this site so great? Several things. One - this guy honestly appreciates what he is shooting - he touches nothing, takes nothing... even old records and things that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of - purely out of curiousity! Two - he has loyal followers that comment - some that have even worked in these particular places when they were open, or have worked in similar places... anytime that someone tries to pull that "ghost consipiracy" stuff, they bring you back down to reality, and can actually give you pretty accurate descriptions of what you are looking at. (Medical equipment, etc.) Three - this guy is an AMAZING photographer. He is unbelievable - the more I look at it, the more impressed I become. Just check it out. You won't be able to navigate away from it for hours.

I wanted to post some samples - but I didn't want to piss him off. So I will just let you go straight to his site to check it out. :)

Also - don't forget about www.cityrag.com - I wouldn't have found one site without the other!

My dog stole another project.

2006-09-09T01:30:00.000-06:00

I ran out of the lovely pink yarn... and you know how big my new scarf ended up being? Just big enough... for the dog.

So, that is the second time I have had to hand over my knitting project to the dog. But she does look cute.

Yes. Very cute with her scarf and her sweatshirt... so ready for fall. She's been rocking that thing all day. I even took her with me to work earlier. She was ust as unpsyched about the hodded sweatshirt as she is with all of the clothing I put her in. But, she looked pretty gangster at least...
But, I do have the chance now to FINALLY work on my own projects... so behold - the two new projects... the black scarf made of thick soft wool that will curl-up on the edges and be cozy, and the multi-shade purple scarf that will be flat, and I'm using some crazy stitch that honestly, I'm not even sure what it's called. BEHOLD!

At this point, I only have one "human project" finished. It is my white scarf that was first item finished - and it is going to my lovely friend Melissa! It is modeled here by the famous Italian high-fashion model, Josiah:

Work?

2006-09-07T13:04:00.000-06:00

Or take pictures of my own head?

Or post funny videos?

Where do I begin...

2006-09-07T11:00:00.000-06:00

What am I listening to? New Peaches album - appropriate for work at appropriate volume levels.

Last night I took a botched knitting project and turned it around into a whole new idea... voila! The scarf that never was became the shawl my dog never needed! But I think it's great. The yarn is Alpaca and Silk - soft and heavy, so the shawl actually hangs well on the dog. She's not that keen on it, which is not surprising... she hates it when I play dress up with her. But I can't help it. She's way more fun than Barbie ever was - plus... Smidgen does not create the same unhealthy body-image impact that Barbie does. Heh, heh.

Check out this phat-tastic shawl in all its glory... pink with a huge purple flower (to cover up the original knitting mistakes.)

Yes - note how overcome with joy she appears in these photos. Tail between the legs is a nice look Smidgen... maybe she is more body-conscious than I thought and she's trying to make her butt look smaller. Hmmmm... no, she just hates that thing on her body. And that light in her eyes? Gleaming, ecstatic, joy in her eyes? No... that is her demonic forces at work to get me back for putting her in that thing. But look how effing cute she looks!

So - now that the old scarf project has been salvaged, I am now moving on to a renewed scarf project with the same yummy yarn. I'm doing it more thin this time, with only a 3 knit-stich border, and pearl/knit alternating rows in the middle. So far, so good. I couldn't sleep last night, so I started it at like, 1:30 in the morning. Who knew you could knite while you were sleeping? I should have guessed it, I mean, I work while I'm sleeping all the time!

I have a blogging alter-ego...

2006-09-07T10:22:00.000-06:00

That is why this blog is called "Things that are okay for you to know." This is the stuff my Mom can read, the day to day, the stuff you would talk about on the phone or in a letter; I have an alter-ego on blogger that I keep for my private journal. Let's face it - there are just some things that others do not need to know (or at least, some things that they don't need to know are connected to you.) However - I thought it would be nice to offer a readable alternative to the other blog* - so here you have it! It's the "me" we all want to be! :)

*Ah yes, a quick note on the "private" blog - you will not find it. So you can give up on that venture today. That city, that name, that login - just another blip on the world wide web. :)